Z-ingers

Newspaper headline: “Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half”. Let that serve as a warning to stay in school:-)

Everytime I hear that Crosby Stills Nash & Young album, it seems like I heard it before

“I totally saw Jehovah” – Jehovah Witness

I just ran out of invisible ink….(I think)…

Maybe nothing more frightening than remembering the clothes you used to wear in 1984.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

Are Pink Floyd on Facebook? I want to write on The Wall.

Headline: ”Toyota boss grilled by U.S.” Those fat kids will eat anything…..

An unstoppable congress is passing judgment on an unstoppable Toyota? And yet they fail to see the irony?…B4 we know it the fat cats will declare war on fat kids…oh, wait…never mind…

If you google the word “google,” the internet will break. Just sayin..

Anger may be only one letter short of danger. But, “herry cheese cake” is only one letter short of “awesome!”

A federal law lifted a 94-year-old ban on carrying loaded guns in national parks and wildlife refuges. Finally, Alaskan polar bears can defend themselves against Al Gore…

After DC gets done with snowmageddon, I suspect they will again get bacl to ushering in the porkopalypse..

When my grandmother died, the funeral director said, “bury her with something she liked.” As the coffin lowered into the ground, all we could hear was grandad shouting for help.

The nights are getting cooler. You’ll know summer is over when the squirrels start roasting their chestnuts in your bug zapper.

If ignorance is bliss, Congress is an absolute paradise!

Due to recent economic cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Computer technology is rapidly increasing and changing. The newest computers are so much like a human that when they make a mistake, they blame another computer.

Smoking may not send you to hell, but it will make you smell like you been there…

Hmmmmm, If crime does not pay, then maybe my job is illegal.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason

I went to Denny’s restauraunt today and noticed the sign says they serve “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered pancakes during World War II.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I feel like I’ve forgotten this before.

I made pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. That’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a unsuspecting neighbor is a lot like a fly eater…….

Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …. A super callused fr…agile mystic hexed by halitosis.

After all this time, I thought DNA was some kind of scientific term. Turns out that DNA is an acronym for National Dyslexics Association.

Anyone here who believes in psychokinesis raise my hand.

When I left home, I was told , “Don’t forget to write.” I thought, “That’s a strange thing to say… … It’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”

When I was young, I remember adults would always say, “Excuse my French” just after a swear word. I’ll never forget the first day at school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any French.

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.:-)

Here’s a little bit of advice for you: advi.

I, too, have a dream: I dream that, one day, all chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

A duck is standing on the side of a road. A chicken walks up behind the duck and says, “Don’t do it, dude–you’ll never hear the end of it.”

A friend walked into an explosives shop the other day and wanted to buy a grenade with his debit card. It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for his pin.

ordered some stuff online the other day & I accidentally used my donor card instead of my debit card. Yep, cost me an arm and a leg.

You know that pop gun they shoot at the beginning of marathons? I pointed one at someone and shot it. Now I’ve been charged with a race crime.

Do you think it’s too early to ask Whoopi Goldberg if she has heard from Patrick Swayze yet?